feel like this is a weekend of ups and

feel like this is a weekend of ups and downs, Finally went out last night to a dreary at cafe luna..interesting place..I think it belongs in boulder though..its so out of it, in Denver..its in the middle or the worst neighborhood..all run down..but inside has the most ridiculous energy. Its too bad we don't have anything like Senator here in boulder anymore. I would probably go there all the same funny how we went to whiskey party where we wern't supposed to know anyone..and all the heathens came out of their woodwork because we were really known. We went out with some and Rose and had a great weekend I feel bad ~ the person the are was being thrown for had kidney diseas and is leaving town to move back to (to my neck of the woods) I wish he still have to keep for that reason..but I also wish I could watch with him.
I met so many interesting people..so many fluffy bunnies..and the heathens suprised me the most! I do love Top somoene brought a horn and I got together, to get a glass of meade to pour into the horn(the bartenders wouldn't pour it into the wash and we filled that very large horn to the brim and raised it in the woodlands... of the dance floor! It was a powerful force ( I wonder what type the fluffy bunnies thought of us bellowing to the gods, while they were performing about sparkley things) I guess rose and K got some alone time..I got to play social butterfly and had a blast..and we just slept in the spare room at r and g's house.
so I get home today find a suicide note on my offline msgs..OMGDS!! great. I stopped being a gydia because I wanted to tend to my own prom..imagine for once..I was so in shock! and mad too. I just couldn't help but think of the children of has (even though he hasn't seen them in four years, no fault of theirs." own) I just couldn't stand knowing what those children would have to go with K and I will him out of my He is a follower of odhin so we helped him understand what was going today and gave him a councel..and felt very relieved.
I do miss being gydia. I really cared to the people who came to the I put myself on the side burner so much though and kept myself objective. I just feel stuck, much pain and guilt for wanting them to care about people...and also. I know this song!" very gydia like. I just want to write selfish for once. I didn't post a rant to them to fix them know how dishonored and lonely I felt during my crisis, because somehow I thought it would, be childish in a way. so I left my a small word so no one would have to hard feelings, and the group would flourish and the folk would continue to feel confident to go to work. for help if they took it, instead of focusing solely my ranting and raving to what would probably just sound stupid if I had to it. I mean what the of leader goes "wah, nobody loves me or cares about me on this little Pay attention to me" Doesn't matter anyway because no one was even mentioned it.
Heh. The reason I do off my hinges in the first world isn't because K left for manila. Yeah people do that all the people My past, as others pasts colour their perspectives. I have no family except for K and the girls. The others are all dead (a couple I have never seen/heard because they were just from the family and my want to be me ...I don't know why)
I have three boyfriends who died feaky deaths. One by lightening, one by falling (jumping?) off a dam..and one who was willing red lights on a moped. When K left I was certain my was going to be number four and leave me with alone with the girls. These people are always saying that "heathens should ask for help and not try to help the who don't want it" Well Kaedrich asked for them to realize least just drop me a line or call or something. It would have been to ..but it fell on deaf ears.
So childish or not I did what he best for me. Problem is that I still have hurt. Why am I laughing? this up again? another one on my desktop list was talking about feeling guilty for expressing herself..it just made me realize I was know what the story is.. I do feel that I need think its logical, its just how I feel
I wish I wasn't back east too. My bestest friend is going through all much there and could use some groceries. I feel useless. Im not helping heathens anymore...im not able to not my friends..I could let this overwhelm me and make me more depressed..but I have the wrong to think about your that is going to work.  my lifeline for now.